Just Like Riding a Bicycle

I have no explanation for what motivated me to pay a visit to this old friend tonight. It has been over two years since last I logged on and posted my internal ramblings for all those I call friends to read. In fact, now that I think of it, it might well have been close to two years since last I really listened to, experienced, or even acknowledged my own internal ramblings. I must confess, I am perplexed and even a bit trepid as I type as I have no idea where this may lead. That said, it certainly does feel good to plunk at these keys driven totally by the flood of thoughts that cross my mind. It has been fun to read through the writings, the comments, and to view my "pic of the day" works. A wealth of memories have certainly washed over me. I can't help but pause though and wonder, "where have I been?" Where did all of my inner ramblings go? At times I think life has gotten so cluttered that I can't hear them any more. I've been beating myself up lately for being so busy or occupied that my ability to be a good friend has wavered. I've missed birthdays, not done the things friends do when there is a funeral, I can't think to ask how a friend's loved one is fairing or even how their day is going. I feel like I'm too busy wallering, yes, wallering, in my own stuff that I can't see the stuff of others. I took my dad to Convenient Care this evening so he could get a shot to dry up the beginnings of his second bout of the summer with poison oak or sumac. While waiting for him in the lobby, I paged through the latest issue of Good Housekeeping. I learned all about how Trisha Yearwood has battled weight issues only now to have conquered the fight and shed numerous pounds. I learned which toaster is the best, which tablet is preferred among housewives, and found myself appalled by the fact that Jif peanut butter was not even a contender in the creamy category. I also read an article about finding oneself adrift. If someone were to peep in the window of my life, I truly doubt that adrift would be on the top ten list of adjectives describing their view. I have a wonderful job at a respectable institution. I am good at what I do and have earned favor with those with whom I work. I have a lovely home, a decent car, my own camper, and a nutty but loveable dog. I have a sweet little garden that gives me pride, a nice patio, a comfy hammock. I've recently taken up kayaking. I enjoy the outdoors and new adventures. I am not really afraid of much. I am independent, strong, and smart. Adrift I certainly am not. Or am I? "Where have I been?" As I look back over these last two years, I wonder if adrift isn't exactly where I've been. But how could that be? I am neither depressed nor lost. Sure, there have been sad and emotional events, but there has been no tragic event in my life. I have made mistakes, but I have also experienced great joys and have many wonderful memories of the past 2+ years. I have laughed until my face hurt. I have traveled and seen new and glorious sights. I have felt great pride in the students I am honored to serve. I started a PhD program, though I soon learned I have too many irons in the fire to manage that beast. I have felt the peace of unconditional love. I have known the comfort of belonging. Yes, my heart has broken a few times and yes there is much I long to be different, but adrift? Is life really so crazy and sometimes so unfulfilling that we try to, sometimes unknowingly, fill it up with things, people, places, ideas, goals, efforts, and events to the point that we ultimately find ourselves adrift? I do not yet have the answer to the question "where have I been?" but I realize that maybe I have been somewhere. Maybe I have been adrift. I am not sure. What I am sure of is that like riding a bike, it feels natural to be quiet and listen to my inner ramblings. It is calming. It is nicer to listen than to waller. Put that on a t-shirt!

pic(s) of the day - my first "Ren Fair"

It is my opinion that if you are lucky, life is constantly full of firsts. Some who find absolutely no joy nor excitement, but rather anxiety and discomfort from new things, would certainly disagree with my opinion. I, however, am relatively open minded and willing to experience new adventures, always eager to increase my list of firsts. That said, relatively is the key word. As eager as I am to live life to the fullest, soaking up every moment I can, you may rest assured that I will probably never bungee jump, handle snakes, or climb Mt. Everest. My point is we all have our comfort level with new things. That's what makes us unique, keeps life interesting, and provides balance in our world.

Over the weekend, I attended my first Renaissance Festival, or "Ren Fair" to those who call themselves regulars. If you know me at all, speechless likely would not make your top ten list of adjectives used to describe me. For the better part of the day that my friends and I were transported to the sixteenth century, I was, for maybe the 2nd or 3rd time in my life, utterly and completely speechless. There were beautiful and elaborate costumes, fascinating reinactments and activities like the May Pole, jousting and highland games, musical displays, and the traditional food and drink were in abundance. My fish-n-chips and cider were fantastic by the way! All of those things I associate in my mind with the Renaissance period. Then there were the fairies, elf ears, fangs, the guy dressed like a dragon, metal corsets, wildly clad gypsies, and trashy pirate girls. WOW! Not so much what I associate with the Renaissance period. Without question, it was one of the most interesting, sometimes creepy, lovely, odd, and totally fun days I've had in a long time.

It struck me as I was driving home that isn't that what life is like sometimes? I know I certainly have a vision of what I think life is like or should be like. But how often does reality match my vision? Sometimes, of course, but it is often far more than I bargained for, occasionally leaving me speechless. There are odd occurances, strange people, creepy people for that matter, interesting lessons, and yes, the thankfully rare dragon. Like the May Pole, all these experiences, trials, journeys, people and blessings weave together creating the tapestry of our lives. As I look back, my tapestry certain looks different than I ever thought it would, but I am so thankful for it. As I stand here now, patiently holding onto my streamer, I look ahead and wonder what in the world is going to be created from it? We never know what is to come, but I can hold on tight and face the interesting, creepy, lovely, odd, and totally fun days to come.

pic of the day - did you know

A collector I am not. I have a few cute salt-n-pepper shakers, but not enough to say I collect them. I like to buy some kind of jewelry whenever I take a vacation - more of a momento than a collection. There are two things however, that I make a point of securing each Christmas that might just make me a seasonal collector. Without fail for the past at least 10 years or more I buy a pair of Christmas pajamas. Yes, once the pair of the year is purchased, I save them to wear only on Christmas Eve into Christmas morning. There are pink flamingos in a trailer park fully decked out in Christmas lights, there are snowflakes, hot chocolate drinking reindeer, Christmas trees, and peppermint candies just to name a few. Some are flanel, some are knit...the best are fleece!!! This year, in case you are wondering, the pjs of choice are hot pink flanel with little fat penguins in colorful stocking caps sledding and skiing. Pretty huh? After that many years, I guess you could say I have built up quite the collection, so I try to wear every pair at least once between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. I don't know what I'll do in another 20 years when there aren't enough days to accomplish my goal. The other thing I suppose I collect at Christmas are nativity sets. Many moons and seasons ago, I decided this collection would be a wonderful way to document my life. Someday, when I was dead and gone, my children and grandchildren would look back through all of the many many nativities and read the stories about where the set was purchased,who bought it for me,what that year symbollized, or what that particular nativity commemorated. Sometimes I buy the nativity for the year, sometimes it's a gift, sometimes there is more than one. Inevitably, it speaks to me. Like the pjs, no nativity is the same. I have one large set and several smaller ones, some even tiny ones. Some are metal, some are ceramic, some are colorful, some are handmade, some are sweet, and some, like the one pictured here, take your breath away. I saw this particular nativity at a store in Minneapolis, MN while on a little mini-vacation this fall. My parents were there and secretly purchased it for me. Since displaying it, every single day I have looked at it in awe and wonder. There are times when it seems Mary is so at peace. At others, I feel I can see the concern in her brow. Joseph appears to be so very dedicated to her comfort and safety. I have dreamt all of my life that I can remember of being a mother and think that the joy, excitement and anticipation of pregnancy must be the most wonderful feeling a woman could experience. I wonder what Mary felt. Did she know what would come for her son? Did she understand the depth of her role of bearer and mother of Jesus? Did she know that with him, that the eyes of the blind would be opened,that the ears of the deaf unstopped, that the lame would leap like deer and the tounge of the speechless would sing for joy, that there would be joy everlasting and that all sorrow and sighing would flee away? It is beyond my comprehension what that must have been like for her. What a precious gift.

pic a day - come thou fount

It is a rare day that I listen to the radio while driving in my car. No matter the volume, I feel as if I'm being screamed at during the numerous commercials and find myself irritated by the commentator bantor. When I do hit that little power button, it is generally in an effort to stay awake on a long drive or, more often than not, to listen to CDs or my Ipod. This is all true with the exception of the 30-35 days pre-Christmas when our local college (not mine unfortunately) radio station plays "Chrsitmas music 24/7" (sung in a happy opera voice). Very little in the media medium thrills me more than Christmas music round the clock. I love it because not only do you hear the oldie but goodies like "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" or "Rockin Around the Christmas Tree" or "I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus", but you also hear some off the wall versions of traditional Christmas songs by artists such as Jimmy Buffet (really?). Once in a blue moon, I mean like once every 4-5 years, I get lucky enough to hear the Porky Pig version of "I'll Have a Blue Christmas Without You" and all the world is right..."I'll have a bb bbb bbbb bbbluuuueeee ccccc cccccchristmas without you!!". One night over the weekend, I was driving home loving every minute of Elvis singing "White Christmas". As I pulled into the garage and turned off the ignition, a new song was just starting to play. I heard enough plunky notes to recognize the song and be curious, so I turned the key and sat back in fascination. The song was "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessings". For one thing, the arrangement was lovely and so unique. The sound and the artist were totally unfamilar. Secondly, I had to ask myself when that song became a Christmas song. As I remembered partial lyrics and sang along while sitting in my chilly car in the garage, I was struck by the fact that it is very much a Christmas song if ever there was one. Kudos to Sufjan Stevens. I've never heard of him until today when I finally found him to be the artist. He might be a new favorite. Enjoy they lyrics as you contemplate as I have this week. All this started with a tiny baby.

1. Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

2. Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I'll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

3. Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

4. O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

5. O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

pic of the day - low key

"Low Key" - I learned today that is the theme of the next Owensboro Photography Club's monthly photo contest. Low key refers to a lighting style of set up that features only your subject and minimizes everything else in the frame. In the photography and cinematography world, low key lighting creates and enhances drama. Funny, low key to me means simple with no drama, and that is just how I like it. I've done drama and prefer to keep it to a minimum in my world. Low key lighting requires a bit of staging and set up with just the right lighting source and just the right background. For me, it evidently just requires a bit of luck. As I sat thoroughly enjoying my low key Sunday morning, I noticed how pretty the flower arrangement on my coffee table looked with the glowing warm sunshine lighting it up. That's all it takes for me to scoop up the camera that is never far away and lucky I was. What I captured was so pleasing to me. I was able to portray all the warmth of the season and the sun in a photograph. While the photo demonstrates low key lighting, to me it is symbollic of a happy, drama free, low key, joyful life.

pic of the day - blessed

There seems to be a never ending wrestling match taking place in my mind. Thoughts bouncing around off the elastic ropes of a ring, tackling each other back and forth with one eventually coming up victorious with a gigantic belt when I've finally come to some conclusion or resolution to the thought war. The contestants throwing their weight around vary significantly from time to time so it's almost like a wrestling relay in which one wrestler hands off his baton to a fellow teamer (I love you Annie M) and the wrestling continues. Yes, I know there is no such thing as a wrestling baton. This week the contestants of choice have been "Blessed" and "Not-so-Much". For those of you who might be reading who do not share the same faith values as I do, consider yourself warned. While always inspired and sometimes spirit filled, my blogging generally is not out-right faith oriented, but this one might be. The Old Testament scripture in church on Sunday was from Daniel where he dreamt of the 4 beasts and upon interpretation was told the 4 beasts represent 4 kings and that the holy ones of the Most High shall receive the kingdom and posess the kingdom forever - forever and ever. The service went on to include Luke's account of the beattitudes, in which we are instructed regarding what constitutes holiness (Blessed) and not-so-much. Put the two together and you get a peek at who receives not just forever, but forever-forever and ever. The two have been wrestling because at first glance with a pair of literal glasses, I felt like I fell into the not-so-much category. I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I am take care of. My needs are met. I have a lovely roof over my head. I am not hungry. I laugh every single day, many days multiple times. Tonight I'm pretty sure I snorted and may have peed just a little I laughed so hard. I'm not 100% sure, but I think others think well of me. Sadly all of these characteristics and qualities were prefaced with a "Woe" or a not-so-much in stead of "Blessed"...this made no sense to me because I feel like I am surrounded with blessings, I am honored to have and do the things I am able to have to have and do, and for the first time in a truly long time, I am for the most part content and at peace with life. Today at lunch though, I saw this little yellow rose blossom. I saw a gorgeous display of soft, tender life among the dry, withered and dying. I saw a bit of sweetness that had weathered 4 nights of frost this past week and weekend. I saw strength and endurance. I saw what forever-forever and ever might look like. When all else has passed, there is one that lives. I saw what blessed is. I don't think blessed has as much to do with the literal things of this life as it does the figurative. I think it has to do with compassion and sharing, with loving and giving, with feeling and caring, with hoping and dreaming, with wishing and guiding, with living through our hearts. When one lives with their heart, every day there is hunger for more, there is an ache for others, there is striving to protect, there is a need to share joy, there is love. Faith is not a one way rule dictating, you do what I say and all will be well journey. Faith is a relationship, built, built - it doesn't just poof appear, on mutual love and trust. When there is love and trust, there is forever-forever and ever.

pic of the day - and so it begins

And so it begins. Falling leaves are a lovely occurance. I could get lost watching them coast one by one to the ground. It fascinates me how they just go with the flow, heading one direction than another until finding a resting place, only to be blown away again. I wonder what it would be like to ride on a leaf as it journeys from the peaks of the trees to the grass down below. I can imagine the sound of the air blowing past me, the excitement and leap of the heart when the direction changes, and the whew of peace when we finally land. Favorite thing #429 is to sit in my chair in the front window of my living room, curled in a blanket, with a good cup of coffee watching the leaves float down like rain drops in slow motion. Ahhh, fall.