Just Like Riding a Bicycle

I have no explanation for what motivated me to pay a visit to this old friend tonight. It has been over two years since last I logged on and posted my internal ramblings for all those I call friends to read. In fact, now that I think of it, it might well have been close to two years since last I really listened to, experienced, or even acknowledged my own internal ramblings. I must confess, I am perplexed and even a bit trepid as I type as I have no idea where this may lead. That said, it certainly does feel good to plunk at these keys driven totally by the flood of thoughts that cross my mind. It has been fun to read through the writings, the comments, and to view my "pic of the day" works. A wealth of memories have certainly washed over me. I can't help but pause though and wonder, "where have I been?" Where did all of my inner ramblings go? At times I think life has gotten so cluttered that I can't hear them any more. I've been beating myself up lately for being so busy or occupied that my ability to be a good friend has wavered. I've missed birthdays, not done the things friends do when there is a funeral, I can't think to ask how a friend's loved one is fairing or even how their day is going. I feel like I'm too busy wallering, yes, wallering, in my own stuff that I can't see the stuff of others. I took my dad to Convenient Care this evening so he could get a shot to dry up the beginnings of his second bout of the summer with poison oak or sumac. While waiting for him in the lobby, I paged through the latest issue of Good Housekeeping. I learned all about how Trisha Yearwood has battled weight issues only now to have conquered the fight and shed numerous pounds. I learned which toaster is the best, which tablet is preferred among housewives, and found myself appalled by the fact that Jif peanut butter was not even a contender in the creamy category. I also read an article about finding oneself adrift. If someone were to peep in the window of my life, I truly doubt that adrift would be on the top ten list of adjectives describing their view. I have a wonderful job at a respectable institution. I am good at what I do and have earned favor with those with whom I work. I have a lovely home, a decent car, my own camper, and a nutty but loveable dog. I have a sweet little garden that gives me pride, a nice patio, a comfy hammock. I've recently taken up kayaking. I enjoy the outdoors and new adventures. I am not really afraid of much. I am independent, strong, and smart. Adrift I certainly am not. Or am I? "Where have I been?" As I look back over these last two years, I wonder if adrift isn't exactly where I've been. But how could that be? I am neither depressed nor lost. Sure, there have been sad and emotional events, but there has been no tragic event in my life. I have made mistakes, but I have also experienced great joys and have many wonderful memories of the past 2+ years. I have laughed until my face hurt. I have traveled and seen new and glorious sights. I have felt great pride in the students I am honored to serve. I started a PhD program, though I soon learned I have too many irons in the fire to manage that beast. I have felt the peace of unconditional love. I have known the comfort of belonging. Yes, my heart has broken a few times and yes there is much I long to be different, but adrift? Is life really so crazy and sometimes so unfulfilling that we try to, sometimes unknowingly, fill it up with things, people, places, ideas, goals, efforts, and events to the point that we ultimately find ourselves adrift? I do not yet have the answer to the question "where have I been?" but I realize that maybe I have been somewhere. Maybe I have been adrift. I am not sure. What I am sure of is that like riding a bike, it feels natural to be quiet and listen to my inner ramblings. It is calming. It is nicer to listen than to waller. Put that on a t-shirt!